new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
