i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
PANTIES FOUND
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