I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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