Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
