the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
