I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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