your thong is hanging out like whoa
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's blow job season.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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