all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
