I think im going to throw up on grandma
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
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