how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
