How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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