I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
