sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
