i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
