Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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