From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize