3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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