you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
