Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It's official drugs can't kill me
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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