I wanna passion pit in your ass
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
