She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
When did angry sex become our thing?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
