I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
