Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize