I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
