2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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