Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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