Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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