A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
