One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I use my feet as sexual weapons
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
