Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
