Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
