Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
