I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
