she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
