I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
