i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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