apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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