just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
