im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize