just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
