I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
