i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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