Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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