Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
