2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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