I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
