I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
