would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
