so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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