Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
