Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
