so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
