So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
