what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
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