he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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