i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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