i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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