Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
